let them
If you’ve been hanging around any of the popular social media platforms over the past year or so, you’ve probably come across the Let Them theory. I first heard about it from a Mel Robbins podcast and, it just so happens, she also wrote a book about it (which I haven’t yet read). I did listen to the podcast and talked with my husband and a few friends about it. To say that I was completely bowled over by such a simple concept is an understatement because the practice of it is crazy powerful!!!
In a nutshell, it’s a mindset tool that encourages you to stop trying to control the people in your life and their actions. Instead, focusing on your thoughts, reactions, and internal state rather than trying to manage everyone else’s which can lead to the positive reinforcement of your emotional peace and freedom.
Most of us have a deep need in our relationships to connect with others in love, to be seen and heard, to matter, and when we don’t it’s easy to feel abandoned, let down, or disappointed. In these scenarios, we usually end up chasing after people so that we can understand why they did a thing, to change their mind so they won’t leave, hope they’ll come around to our way of thinking, or, horror of horrors, that we can magic them into who we want them to be if we love or please them hard enough.
While the concept of letting (them) go and letting people be who and how they are may seem new or very now, it isn’t. In the book of Ecclesiastes (1:9), King Solomon told us that there’s nothing new under the sun and, indeed, there isn’t. Jesus taught us to “Let Them” throughout His ministry. He never chased after people to validate His message or His ministry. He consistently looked to His Heavenly Father to affirm His identity and care for His deepest needs.
Take for example the story of the rich, young ruler (Mark 10:17-22). This man approached Jesus and asked what he needed to do to inherit eternal life. Jesus tells him that he needs to keep the commandments to which he replies that he was already doing those things and Jesus, knowing the man’s heart and that he was owned by his possessions, told him to sell everything he had, give it to the poor, and follow Him (paraphrasing here). The young ruler, who was very wealthy, became sad and turned away. Now, Jesus didn’t run after him and say that should stay because He had so much to offer or that he should see a therapist and figure out why he had such an unhealthy attachment to his things. No. He allowed him to decide for himself and He let him go.
Years ago, I started a friendship with a woman who became very dear to me. We’d had a similar life experience that, although extremely painful, was something we could (and did) talk about freely and helped one another through a lot of rough terrain. We were inseparable for almost 3 years and then…we weren’t. To this day, I don’t know why she ended our relationship. It came completely out of the blue and I deeply mourned the loss of it. Did you see the movie Eat, Pray, Love? There’s a scene where the main character, Liz, is in India and she’s telling a friend that she still loves and misses her ex-husband. He very wisely tells her to love him and to miss him and then to think of him with light and love and let him go. Wise advice and something that I try to do whenever I think of my friend who I still love and miss. I had to let her go - even if I didn’t understand why she left - so that I could move on.
Before I became aware that the action of Letting Them was a thing, I’d participated in the practice of it a few more times in various relationships; more to keep my sanity than as a psychological technique. As someone who was a pleaser for more than half my life (and is still learning to shed that skin), stepping out of my comfort zone and allowing myself to know that I don’t have to conform my thoughts and emotions to someone else’s just to keep the peace (which is ridiculous because peace is never kept - most specifically mine) has been MASSIVE!!! To stop making myself small because I feel unworthy to be seen, to respond calmly and clearly to another person, to say what I will or won’t tolerate, to believe (and receive) that I matter, too, as does the person or situation that’s in opposition to me at the moment, has been extremely freeing for me. Letting people be who and where they are is an act of love. At the same time, enabling bad behavior or allowing destructive or disrespectful relationships in our lives isn’t good for anyone which makes setting boundaries equally important.
I think back to a time when one of my teenage children had been acting out and, in a fit of anger (his default manipulator), threw my car keys into my bedroom and said, “I don’t want your stupid, fuckin’ car!” I didn’t chase after him or try to reason with him. I wasn’t angry. I wasn’t hurt. I was…resolved. I was finished with having allowed myself to consistently walk on eggshells around my son for years (that’s on me, I know) and I let him feel the consequence of his actions. My husband and I took the car to get washed, filled it with gas, and then went out to lunch. And even though my son apologized the next day, which I appreciated and received, you better believe I didn’t give those keys back!
Do you have any experience with Letting Them?
