feeding my wolf
I’ve decided that 2024 is going to be my year. In some ways, this feels like a loaded statement – the kind that I would normally never make – because it implies that there will be a “because I’m going to…” following it which means I feel the need to specify not only why it will be my year but also how I’m going to make the why happen which fills me with dread because I can tend toward a “SQUIRELL!” attention span. That said, I’m loathe even to start this post with such a lofty declaration. I’m beginning to think that this has something to do with being a pleaser for almost 50 years, not just towards others but even towards myself (wait. What? WHOA!) but I’ll unpack that in the future.
When I took the workshop I mentioned in my last post, the tale of the two wolves was talked about. If you’re not familiar, it’s about a battle between the two ‘wolves’ that live inside us all – one is good and one is evil and they’re always fighting against one another. The wolf that wins is the one we feed. I confess to you now that the wolf I’ve been feeding for longer than I care to admit is the one that gobbles up all the anger, sorrow, greed, regret, resentment, self-pity, superiority, judgment, self-loathing, guilt, lies, and arrogance that I can feed it and always snaps its slathering jaws for more. I’ve finally grown tired of its indifference towards me; of its false sense of love and acceptance only to turn on me; claws out and teeth gnashing.
Instead, I’m allowing myself to receive the work that God has been wanting to do in my heart and mind…to listen as He calls me back to the way I was made. A way that is filled with joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This wolf eats tenderly and gently from my hand. She’s polite and dear and never asks for more than I’m willing to give yet always encourages me to give more because as she grows and gets healthy, as her eyes shine bright and her coat glistens, I begin to walk into a bright, beautiful future. No resolutions. No absolutes. Just acceptance that it was in 2024 when I began to open my heart and let myself feel, when I started living on purpose, when I began to dream…when I finally began to become my true self.
